


Live and die

by FPwoper



Series: Drabbles from long ago [7]
Category: Death Note
Genre: Gen, L's death week, Songfic, more info inside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FPwoper/pseuds/FPwoper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(L - October)<br/>A vision on every day between L's birthday and L's day of dying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Higher High

**Author's Note:**

> Every chapter has a song with which I wrote it. I will post the song in the notes at the end of the story.  
> Also, I wrote this quite a while ago and I don't know if I still like it that much (having moved on from Death Note) but I wanted to share it with you.  
> Also posted on dA.

October 31. His birthday.  
If there was something he hated, it was his birthday. He really, really didn't like his birthday. One way or another, it was a day to celebrate. No way _his_ would ever be celebrated. It could be his death, anyone other than Wammy knowing the date of his birth.  
Everyone would be able to track him down. Okay, not anymore, since he had been deleted from the birth register, but it could be. There was a possibility anyone found out who he was and what he did.  
So, this awful day would just have to pass like any other: working and working, only receiving an extra birthday cake and a whispered "Happy birthday" from Watari.  
Only now he recalled he had once told Light when his birthday was, long ago, at the beginning of the case. He felt his whole world falling apart. Light, Kira, knew when his birthday was. Light would be able to find his name… and already knew his face. He started to panic slightly. No one could see him like this, thus he had learned to control his emotions and if he felt something remotely alike emotions, he would hide them. But Light… damn. That was a very, very grave mistake. He should never have done something like that.  
He felt fear slipping through his mask and showing on his face. This was wrong, very wrong. Why should everything go wrong on this day? This particular mistake would be his downfall, really. Suddenly he knew what it was. His fears. Every day he felt them, but he had never had a real urge to pay any attention to them.  
He stood from his chair and walked to the window, watching the light shimmer on the cars outside and catching surprised looks from the members of the Task Force. They hadn't expected L to move, or so it seemed. He stared and stared but didn't see anything except fireflies – of which he was sure they weren't there. He noticed some tears slipping down his cheeks. No one would ever love him… no one would ever pay any attention to him except those who needed his detective abilities… His fears were worldly like any other human's. He, the best detective in the world, was a human too and it was only now that he realized this.  
He would die too and he felt it would be soon. All of those fears seemed to crush him and he… he was afraid. He felt like he was the small boy, clinging to Wammy's hands when he first arrived in Wammy's House. Never he had been afraid after that moment of something unknown. Wammy reassured him and told him everything he had to know to become a great detective, but not only these stories. He also learned about fairytales and mythology. Resurrection was something that bothered him, since it was physically impossible. Though he knew some believed it, he realized he would never be a fool like them. He believed some of the fairytales… they were so nice and so filled with love and happiness. He wanted to feel that once in his life.  
Now… now it was his birthday, his 25th birthday. He was a quarter of a century old. He should have accomplished anything by now, but he hadn't. The thought was slightly depressing. The only thing he accomplished right now was being afraid of a day which should come very soon.  
  
He didn't notice Light getting to his feet and walking over to where he was. Suddenly there was a hug from behind and a whisper in his ear:  
"Happy birthday, L."


	2. Towards the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The list of songs referred to in the chapters will be published at the end of the story.

Towards the end

It had been a long time ago that he had been shocked like that. In fact, he had been shocked into his old habits. Before being a great detective and eating only sweets, he had been a small, frightened child who never ate nor drank anything. He used to sit in silence and feel miserable about his parents, whom died in a car accident. He survived the crash but never digested all the pain, grieve and loss he felt. When Watari found him in one of those orphanages, he was starved and skinny as if his flesh had been eaten from his bones. It was only when little L discovered sweets that he really started to eat.  
Now he had reverted back into those habits, not eating nor drinking anything and just sitting close to the window. He felt as if he was waiting for someone to rescue him like Watari did all those years ago. He was curled into himself, sometimes rocking forward and backward as to relieve himself of some of the stress. Watari could only watch, unable as he was to help L with this kind of pressure and feelings. _Love_ , he mused, _was something that never came when you wanted it._ L certainly had to deal with some feelings of which he didn't even know they existed.  
L, on the other hand, knew he had to die. He knew it would be soon. He was almost sure of his killer's name. He knew he would die with the knowledge of Kira's identity in mind. He knew he would die _in love_. These horrible emotions, he thought. Light almost sent him in shock yesterday. Now he only wanted to cry. He was in love with his enemy. Damn, he knew Light was Kira, he only needed some proof to put him in jail for the rest of his life. Here came one small problem: L's feelings, his emotions, wouldn't let him put Light in jail. His heart broke with the thought only.

_Only Kira could save me from this horrifying destiny..._


	3. Avond - Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Dutch song by Boudewijn de Groot. I haven’t listened to this one, but it holds a special meaning to me, so I wanted to write something with it. The translation of the lyrics will be posted as an extra chapter after the story. I own neither Death Note nor Avond by Boudewijn de Groot.
> 
> This is Wednesday in L’s week and mind the POV switch.

Though he didn’t know what he had caused L to do, he knew he had treated him wrongly somehow. He had seen the man being silent before, but not like this. He had never seen L seem so _lost_ in this world. Normally he would just walk and eat and drink and be mildly depressed because he couldn’t catch Kira, but now he was depressed for no apparent reason and he didn’t eat, drink or walk at all. Yes, he could say that he was afraid he caused L to revert into this kind of behaviour. His problem was that he didn’t know what could be the cause. He believed it was something with his birthday, perhaps the lack of congratulations? Or it might have been the lack of cake… or… Light rethought the evening and concluded he had congratulated L as well. Perhaps that was the cause of L’s depression? Perhaps he thought he had better not told Light at all when his birthday was? Perhaps he thought that he could die anytime because his _enemy_ when his birthday was.

Light wanted to admit to L that he was Kira, that he… that he didn’t want to kill him, but merely wanted to get rid of his vision. Kira wasn’t evil, Kira was good and only wanted to dismiss all criminals from this world. Wasn’t that a noble goal? He knew he didn’t deserve any kindness or retribution, but perhaps L wanted to let him have a chance?

So, when they were alone at night – the safest time of the day to try to talk to L, because no one was near them and no one could interrupt them - Light slowly advanced in on L and sat down next to him. All of this went unnoticed by L but Light didn’t mean to give up so quickly. He had had a nice talk with Watari yesterday in which Watari tried to explain why he thought Light would be able to help L with his problems. Light didn’t understand what exactly it was that Watari meant, but had agreed to help the poor detective. He didn’t want a sulking detective either when his innocence was on the brick.

“L?” Light tried softly. When he didn’t receive any answer, he continued: “Why don’t you talk to us or instruct us? The Task Force is lost without you. We need a commander and you fit the bill, you know that. You didn’t gather us for nothing, did you? Come with me, L. Let’s start this up again and prepare the team some work for tomorrow.”

Light lay his hand upon L’s shoulder as to try to sooth him and get him to work again. He didn’t anticipate L’s answering cringe. “L? Are you all right?” Light asked concerned, but L only shuffled away, still curled up in a ball. Only now the ball had feet, which was quite… funny. Light couldn’t laugh about it, though, since the greatest detective wasn’t feeling well. Laughing would only make it worse.

“Okay, L, I will this room. I think Watari will be here soon, he sure wants to know why you are even more upset now. I will stay in the building, okay?”

Light still received no answer and gave up. Kira laughed inside his head, but Light’s feelings were merely those of sorrow and concern for his friend – or was it more now? _I believe in you, L._

  
Though, Kira would always be happy when L wasn’t. Nothing could change that.


	4. Eerie Eden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Eerie Eden_ by Indica, this time.

Eerie Eden

He was defeated.  
Since Light had touched him twice in the past three days, his craving for Light had only increased. Yes, he dared to call it a craving. His body _craved_ for more contact and, much more important, for more of _Light's_ touch. He himself didn't need this at all. He hated the feeling, it made him feel weak.

Totally devastated. He was using – which felt like – his last days to feel miserable over something he couldn't change and/or his feelings. Perhaps Light was right, should he really get up and prepare work for the Task Force so that they thought they had a purpose. Feeling miserable didn't help anyone. Slowly he got to his feet and staggered forward, trying to find his balance again after two days of only sitting, not even moving an inch. He felt his stomach aching and moved his hands to clutch the painful thing. In the movement he leaned too far forward and fell.

Only he didn't hit the ground as he thought he would. He was caught before he could. Still he felt like swimming in the air...

He was caught, but still falling ever so slowly...


	5. Nocturne in E-minor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cleaning up dA and I found this. So... here goes. The other few chapters to complete this work.

He hadn't expected to have L, the great detective and Kira's enemy, in his arms at _any_ time. They still held the same position after some hours but his arms started to ache. Watari had run in a few seconds after L's staggering and falling, but when he saw Light held L and L was content in staying there, he nodded approvingly in Light's direction and left again.  
Now, after holding L for six hours (this was how many hours Light thought had passed), Light lowered both of them to the ground, planted L in his lap and started to stroke L's surprisingly soft hair. L moved a little and Light started but L only put his thumb to his lower lip, finding his thinking position again.  
'Why am I here, Light-kun?'  
He looked at L and received a less blank stare as usual back. He was hypnotized by L's black eyes and therefore answered truthfully.  
'You fell and I caught you. As to why I am still holding you... I... I just didn't let go of you.' _And you are so soft..._  
'O.' L then worked himself closer to Light. 'Well, I don't mind at all.'  
Light watched L retrieve his phone from his pocked and start to punch the buttons very quickly.  
A few minutes later Watari came in and brought L some of his favorite sweets. L immediately stuck a lollipop in his mouth. He couldn't keep his eyes off L. The man was an interesting subject... Too bad he was to be killed soon. If it weren't for that Kira-part in him, he would try to win L for him, which would probably be easy as pie. _He_ didn't want to kill L, only _Kira_   wanted this!  
  
He felt a part of him get excited by the thought of getting L and he bit his lips to contain a moan. L looked at him in surprise and shifted a little in his arms and on his lap, then yelping as he found what Light's problem was. L now stared in shock at him and Light hung his head low, a blush creeping up his face. Yes, he was ashamed of his display, but on the other hand... he liked L's reaction. Perhaps he was a voyeur and he himself an exhibitionist...  
  
No, they couldn't do anything. The Task Force would arrive in half an hour or so.  
'I'm sorry, L. I didn't mean to...'  
'Shht, Light', L whispered. 'Don't say anything.' L kissed him and then came to his feet. 'I shouldn't be here in the first place.'  
Then he left him.


	6. Memory

After his display of human emotions, L hid in Watari's room for a while. Watari found him only a minute or so later and they talked for a few hours, monitoring Light (busy with himself) and the Task Force (doing whatever Watari had instructed them to do until L would be back) via the various screens.  
When the day had passed the Task Force went home and Light went to bed – he still lived in the HQ even though he was free to go – then L returned to his computer an let it stir to life. What had happened concerning Light Yagami had to be past. His work was far more important and it was waiting for him. He solved five cases during that night and fired two contacts because they'd let slip for whom they worked – a deadly sin. He could kill them... no. He didn't feel like it. By morning, when the sun rose, he had put everything away which didn't relate to the Kira case. He'd made a list of things the Task Force could do and things Light Yagami could.  
It was the fifth of November and when everyone arrived that morning, they were surprised to see L waiting for them in a chair next to the computer he always used. Light smiled at him and he acknowledged that but didn't give an answering smile back. He didn't want to think about yesterday, though Light's arms had been disturbingly nice to be in.  
'Everyone, please. I have made a list for you on which is what you can do today. I must apologize for my absence both in body and mind in the last few days. Please, accept my apologies.'  
The Task Force nodded and went to work.  
'Light-kun, you have a separate list. Here you are.' L handed Light the (somewhat shorter) list and therefore Light could start as well. He added: 'Gentlemen, I will be back within the hour.'  
No-one acknowledged this but L didn't mind. He just had to talk to Watari today. He almost ran to Watari's office, where he stood in the door frame, unsure whether to proceed or not.  
'Come in, L', Watari's voice sounded from inside. 'Have you come to talk again, my child?'  
L nodded, but then changed his mind. 'Well... can I just watch you work today?'  
'Of course you can. Everything is prepared for the test, so you don't have to worry about it.'  
'But I am worrying, Watari. I am afraid of today. I think it is because of the bells.'  
'The bells?' Watari asked, his tone slightly concerned.  
'Yes, the bells. The church bells, Watari. Don't you hear them?'  
'I do...'  
L nodded to himself and curled himself up once more, now watching Watari in his every move.  
  
When lunchtime came, Watari stood up and began to prepare lunch for the Task Force and L.  
'I think you'll have to move to the main room, L. I will bring you your lunch there. You cannot eat it here', Watari said and L nodded, coming to his feet as well and walking in his usual slouch after Watari.  
It would be the last moment with Watari that he had, but he didn't know that yet. He silently thanked the older man for everything, but didn't know that would be one of the last things he would do.  
  
'So, L, do you have something else for me to do?' Light asked and L stared at him, eyes wide open. He didn't understand the questions at first ( _When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too_ ) but then grasped its meaning.  
'I do not think so, Light-kun. It was everything I could come up with.'  
'Oh. Okay.'  
L could see Light was bored again, but he ignored it. The boy should learn to cope with boredom. It happened quite often, even to him.  
  
A few hours later the test was put into motion and now the battle had really begun. Watari reported the country was ready and L watched the monitors in utmost concentration. 'Come on, this must be it', he muttered to himself and then his eyes opened wide as he saw the screens change. DATA DELETION. L gasped and he felt a few tears pulling onto his eyes. Watari was dead. Watari, the only one in the whole world whom knew L's real name. He heard someone yelling "What's happening?" and wanted to answer, but found himself unable to. He couldn't move anymore.  
'The bells...' he whispered.   
'Everyone! The Shini-'  
He felt it. He had been right all week. He would die soon. He felt it. He felt his heart stop and skip a few beats. Then gravity called to him. He fell of his chair but, once again, he didn't hit the ground as he thought he would. Light caught him. _He was dying in the arms of the one he loved..._ Dying was lovely if it were like this. The bells only went louder and louder until they clouded everything else in his mind. I knew it, he thought. I knew it, Light is Kira. If only I could send someone the smirk Light just gave me... If only Near or Matt or Mello could see it... Oh, please, let it be over. I don't want this anymore. I don't...  
Then his eyes closed for the last time, never to be opened again.  
  
 _Kira won this round, but has no idea of the continuity of L._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought. I'm sorry for kind of dropping this thing and then reappearing like... 4 years later. What cleaning stuff up does to you...
> 
> The songs in this fic are all in this playlist: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/embed/user/1188837279/playlist/6JgEA6UxVq80RTAAT48gan). Sadly, _Higher High_ is not on Spotify, but you can find that one [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PV45wpd_Ufw), and Epica's version of _Memory_ can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuOqYqxqEOU).


End file.
